WASHINGTON, DC—In a shocking turn of events, President Donald Trump today fired FBI director James Comey.
According to the White House, Trump terminated Comey on the recommendation of Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein and Attorney General Jeff Sessions.
In a scathing letter, Rosenstein criticized Comey for his handling of the investigation into former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s private email server and accused the now former FBI director of “usurp[ing] the attorney general’s authority.”
“Compounding the error, the director ignored another longstanding principle: We do not hold press conferences to release derogatory information about the subject of a declined criminal investigation,” Rosenstein added.
Some news outlets have noted the irony in Trump’s firing of Comey over his handling of the Clinton investigation, as many believe that Comey essentially handed Trump the presidency.
Even Clinton herself has cited Comey as one of the reasons she lost, telling attendees at the Women for Women International event this past Tuesday, “I was on the way to winning until the combination of Jim Comey’s letter on October 28 and Russian WikiLeaks raised doubts in the minds of people who were inclined to vote for me, but got scared off.”
But according to an administration insider who spoke to Daily Bamboo on the condition of anonymity, Trump’s firing of Comey over his handling of the Clinton investigation is just a convenient excuse.
“The truth is that Donald never wanted to be president. He thought he’d run and get a lot of publicity and that would be it,” the source stated. “He never expected to win.”
According to the source, an increasingly exasperated Trump has come to blame Comey for his victory, which the billionaire real estate mogul claims has “ruined his life.”
“Not only is the job a lot tougher than he thought it would be,” the source explained, “Donald hates the White House. It’s a real step down from Trump Tower. And he can’t do all the things he used to love. The scrutiny of being president is so bad he can’t even grab his own wife’s pussy these days.”
When asked why Trump simply didn’t drop out of the presidential race or resign, the source offered a simple explanation. “Donald believes that winners never quit and winning is more important to him than anything else. So giving the man he blames for destroying his life the Apprentice treatment was the next best option.”